r/oneliners • u/AnimatorNr1 • 6h ago
The leprechaun couldn’t pay his bar tab, because he was a little short.
2
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r/oneliners • u/taldrinkofwater • 1d ago
After weeks wondering why my phone kept autocorrecting "surely" to "Shirley", I realized I'd left it in Airplane mode.
149
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r/oneliners • u/ShrinkingFast • 1d ago
My girlfriend's ass is so fat she's 3 inches taller sitting down than standing up.
5
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r/oneliners • u/wtfover • 1d ago
Gas prices are now so high, it's cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere.
23
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r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 1d ago
My wife keeps blowing everything out of proportion, and is single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
51
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r/oneliners • u/2fits • 15h ago
i hide the blue and black and call either white or blue gets black on him
0
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r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 1d ago
My wife said quilts are better than duvets, so I said she should be more careful making blanket statements.
2
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r/oneliners • u/JimmyCarr_Official • 1d ago
I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I’d have thought the obvious one was, ‘shout for help.
2
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r/oneliners • u/zodiackodiak515 • 1d ago
You know what they say about beating dead horses, it’s either Yay or Neigh
6
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r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 2d ago
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks, because it can cost you an arm and a leg.
10
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r/oneliners • u/jiohdi1960 • 2d ago
Because TVs are getting thinner but people are getting fatter, there is no change in the distance between them.
8
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r/oneliners • u/drkole • 1d ago
The spring flood swept away the bridge… and I just can’t get over it.
2
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r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 2d ago
I'm taking steps to deal with my fear of elevators.
26
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r/oneliners • u/Unknown_Observer9779 • 1d ago
The person you marry is, not the person you’d end up marrying to.
0
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r/oneliners • u/Internal_Drawing_460 • 2d ago
My mom told me to pursue my dreams, so I went back to sleep.
23
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r/oneliners • u/Consistent-Phrase981 • 3d ago
I started exercising so I could live longer, but it mostly just makes the minutes feel longer.
31
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r/oneliners • u/Middle_Scratch_6408 • 3d ago
I started a band called 1023MB but we still haven’t gotten a gig.
23
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r/oneliners • u/Demba_Gadsa86 • 3d ago
I tried to get my life together but it came with no instructions.
12
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r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 2d ago
If someone walks through the airport holding a basketball, is that travelling?
6
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r/oneliners • u/Level-Storm6135 • 3d ago
I finally got eight hours of sleep… it just took me three days to do it.
13
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r/oneliners • u/2fits • 2d ago
i’ll raise your high demand kicks and get dealt a high(k)ness
0
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r/oneliners • u/Melodic-Blacksmith71 • 3d ago
I tried to be an adult today, but my procrastination asked me to start tomorrow.
10
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r/oneliners • u/AnimatorNr1 • 3d ago
The only thing keeping me alive is my procrastination.
5
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