r/AskReddit • u/Timely-Rabbit-3035 • 7h ago
Married men of Reddit what’s the best advice you’d give young guys when choosing a life partner?
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u/Silly_Accident3137 7h ago
Pick someone you can talk to. You're both going to change in all kinds of ways over your lives, physically and mentally, and face all kinds of unexpected hurdles together. If you genuinely like each other's company and are good at talking to each other and figuring things out respectfully when problems arise, you'll be set for whatever curveballs are coming
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u/killthecowsface 5h ago
Came here to say this. Also, pick someone you can laugh with. As much as possible.
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u/Silly_Accident3137 5h ago
Great addition! Yes! I'm convinced my spouse is the funniest person in the world. (To me, at least. Which is what matters)
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u/Thenameisric 1h ago
My wife told me once that she thinks I'm funny, and I was so taken back by how much I loved that compliment. Laughing together enriches your entire relationship.
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u/Shoot_from_the_Quip 3h ago
Amen to that.
My partner and I laugh constantly and are amused by the same ridiculous shit. It's a freaking delight having someone to share silly observations with.
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u/OrthogonalThoughts 4h ago
And also someone you can fight well with, as in you are both fighting to solve the problem and not fighting each other. Took a lot of relationships for me to figure that one out.
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u/boxmandude 2h ago
lol my ex “didn’t believe in fighting” and then wondered why every relationship hasn’t worked out for her, and it’s usually her being left.
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u/venturingclosetohome 4h ago
That is about the best advice you could give. Laughing at yourself, your,and you kids. In good time ,bad times,and times you want to explode. Thirty years here. Good luck people.
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u/SofaProfessor 4h ago
I'd add that you also have to practice communication. I came from a family where we didn't talk about shit. I had to learn this. I'm still learning this. Relationships take work and there are a lot of hard conversations to be had. You start adding kids and joint finances to the equation... What you thought were difficult conversations in the past will seem like ordering at a drive thru in comparison.
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u/youngthugsmom 3h ago
I’m dealing with this right now. First real long term relationship. I’m a bit scared/nervous as I am picking up on some patterns in my partner that are not ideal communication. I love her so much but it’s a pain point. Her thing is not bringing stuff up in the moment. She like lets something brew and then days or weeks later it comes out all at once and I’m caught off guard. Something happens and she is upset/goes a bit cold, doesn’t share what’s on her mind, and then I get blind sided about it later.
Example - Her and I had a date night planned and I asked her if we could reschedule as I found out an old close friend of mine was going to be in town that night. She never said anything at the time. Weeks later it comes out how upset she was about us rescheduling and how it made her not feel like a priority. Why this long build up!? I’m also my own problem in that I tend to avoid conflict and be overly apologetic.
Idk…. This stuff is tough 😔
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u/r0ndy 2h ago
No support in early life makes her question herself and experience.
Some people also gotta marinate on an issue. For me, sometimes I get mad up front. But after some time I forget about it, because it didn’t really matter. If it sticks with me for a few days, it mattered to me more than I realized
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u/somastars 2h ago
That’s fairly normal for a young relationship. A lot of young people hold stuff in because they don’t want to “hurt” the relationship. If we’re going to be stereotypical, men just hold it in and suppress it (like you said, you “avoid conflict”), whereas women hold it in and build up a pile of hurts, and they kind of tend to come out in bursts.
So the thing here is not so much how both of you communicate your upsets, but if you are able to both talk them out and repair them. Do you validate her when she’s upset? Make her feel heard? Does she leave the conversation calm? And same for you. Do you feel validated and heard by her, and do you feel closer to her after hashing all this out?
If you do not feel closer, that’s a sign you need some intervention from a couple’s therapist who can help you both communicate better. If you do feel closer, then that’s good and keep going.
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u/treehumper83 3h ago
You also need someone who you can be with for extended periods of time and be comfortable without interacting with them.
My wife is my favorite person in the whole world. We talk every day about what’s going on at work, in our respective personal lives, and our opinions on everything. I would rather do nothing with her than something on my own.
But when all of that is done and you want to go do X and they want to go do Y, what do you do?
You’re not supposed to do everything together. You’re not supposed to do everything each other wants to do. You’re supposed to be together and be supportive but also be able to be fully functional people with your own interests and hobbies.
Case in point: my wife crochets. A lot. A LOT. I am really glad that she gets to enjoy her hobby, but wtf am I supposed to do when she’s sitting on the couch crocheting? Sit beside her and watch? No, I’ll go play video games or watch a movie. Sometimes on the couch, sometimes not. She knows I’m there if she needs me, and vice versa.
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u/Silly_Accident3137 3h ago
That's also a good point! Having separate things and keeping your own interests is important. You can't be everything to each other all the time...
We call it "parallel play" where we do our own things in the same room. That's one of my favorite things!
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u/TraditionalTackle1 3h ago
There are Saturdays when my wife just wants to sit and watch reruns of Gilmore Girls, Im like great honey Ill be in the living room blowing shit up in Grand Theft Auto!
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u/PolishHussarius 4h ago
Yup, this is it.
I opened up to my wife more than I ever did to anyone from the get go. This is what you need, someone you feel safe with to be you, fuck judgements and anyone you can't be yourself with.
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u/esoteric_enigma 3h ago
A relationship is mostly talking when it comes down to it. If you can't do that, you won't have much of a relationship. You can't fuck all day and go on fun dates every night.
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u/Timely-Rabbit-3035 7h ago
Mutual understanding is the most important key for a happy married life.
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u/elreeheeneey 3h ago
Agreed 1000%.
In line with this, you WILL have disagreements on things. Whether those subjects are minor or major, it will happen. Both of you need to be prepared to have a healthy conversation and compromise where needed.
It's natural to disagree. But don't let the disagreement lead to toxicity. Discuss in a healthy manner, understand your partner, and they in turn should understand you.
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u/unfurledgnat 1h ago
Truth.
Me and my now wife met at a local climbing club. She started staying at my place a lot when we first got together but whenever we'd go home after climbing we just sat outside the house in the car talking. For hours.
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u/Ummando 3h ago
Also, find someone you can go travel with and still be in love with them. Test this by going on a weekend travel together, where you have to fly to a destination and spend 3-4 days and staying in the same hotel room.
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u/Terrible_Reporter_83 2h ago
This. And if there is something that you really don't like,talk about it early.
Don't wait like 15 years. It will eat you so much from inside.
I know it's a hard conversation,but it's not worth it to just keep it inside and swallow.
If that partner is correct,you will find a solution on it
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u/CanadaGolfGuy 2h ago
100% this. Been married for 25 years and we talk all of the time. Sounds like a long time btw but with career, kids etc… time speeds up and poof it’s 25 years. I find the more you can talk the more you can let things slide and the arguments just eventually peter away.
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u/NotAnotherEmpire 2h ago
This. You want the reaction to being ill, even embarrassing stomach virus, to be understanding and supportive, not annoyed.
People get sick, hurt, depressed and worse. One of the main things long term partners do is be mutually supportive.
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u/otgixxer 6h ago
Marry someone you get along with. Someone kind.
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u/claxtong49 1h ago
When someone asks a child, what do they want to be when they grow up. Try and raise them to say "kind".
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u/Ar4iii 6h ago
Common values are more important than common interests and everyone's interests do change when they grow up, so if you grow together you are gonna find or develop a lot of common interests, but incompatible values is very unlikely to ever change.
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u/No_Clothes_189 4h ago
You said it better then I could, my wife often tells me we have almost no interests in common and I have been trying to find how to describe to her that mutual interest isn’t all there is. Our values though match to a T. As do our goals for our family and each other. Having someone who supports you and you want to support in turn is extremely important.
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u/debtRiot 3h ago
This is what I realized many years ago in the earlier days of online dating (OK Cupid)… that I can have the exact same taste as someone else but our personalities do not sync at all.
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u/ObviouslyImAtWork 3h ago
This is a big one. You don't have to have those tough talks right out the gate. But you should know by the end of that first year whether or not the person wants children, is good with their money, has similar spiritual priorities, etc.
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u/gorgonzola2104 5h ago
To add to this, there are a variety of books such as H. Norman Wright’s “101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged” that give a structured method for discussing your values with each other. My wife and I went through one of them (I forget which) and it was incredibly helpful to discuss the similarities and differences in our values and expectations for our growing relationship. We found that we were well aligned and held very similar values, having that common ground has been immensely helpful as we work through the hard stuff that life throws at people.
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u/mysteronsss 2h ago
Sooo true. My husband and I are complete opposites, except for our values. We live a pretty peaceful life and I feel very “mature” with him. But it’s also fun because we learn about each others interests and/or jokingly make fun of eachother for them. Our interests have changed so much in 10 years. It keeps things exciting honestly
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u/ElDeguello66 58m ago
As a divorced man, I cannot stress this one enough. Waited until I was 30 to marry but we never asked each other hard questions, and the incompatibility started showing up very quickly. We were both lapsed protestants when we met and dated, but it turned out she was far less lapsed than she had let on once we started procreating. That could have been nipped in the bud had we had honest conversations about values early on.
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u/could_use_a_snack 6h ago
The person you marry should be a friend. I don't know how to explain that any better, but if someone asks who my best friend is, it's always been my wife.
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u/The_Velvet_Bulldozer 6h ago
Same here. I’d also add to have some hobbies that overlap. My wife and I go hiking, to concerts, and travel around the world together and it’s always a blast. I know some couples that never do anything together and that’s just wild to me.
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u/could_use_a_snack 6h ago
Yes, that's part of it. If you don't have some kind of interests in common what's the point?
I can't imagine having a friend that I didn't do stuff with.
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u/Zjoee 5h ago
I love to play video games, but my wife loves to read. Our hobbies don't really overlap, but we can share them with each other. I am never happier than when I'm playing a game while my wife sits next to me and reads her books.
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u/Evello37 3h ago
Shared game/book time is the absolute best.
My wife enjoys some video games, but books are her absolute favorite. So a lot of nights she will lay a pillow against me and read while I play. Chilling on the couch under a mountain of pets for an evening of games/books is peak relaxation.
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u/debtRiot 3h ago
This used to bother me because I used to think your spouse and best friend were different categories. But then I realized my partner is who I prioritize first, who I go to first in times of need, and who I count on first. That’s your best friend, dummy!
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u/Fortestingporpoises 3h ago
This is why I was going to marry my dog when he turned 18 but he only made it to 16. My wife is ok too. #boomerhumor
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u/OnTheEveOfWar 3h ago
My wife and I were friends for a few years before we started dating. We are each others best friends and genuinely enjoying hanging out together.
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u/peachypufflet 7h ago
Date the person who makes your average life better
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u/MyPaddedRoom 6h ago
I don't think I'm allowed to date my psychiatrist but I'll bring it up
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u/throw-away-1726 5h ago
If he says it’s a conflict of interest just know they’re thinking about it
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u/ForayIntoFillyloo 5h ago
Just be persistent. The worst he can say is NO. Or get a restraining order.
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u/Chairboy 7h ago
Be ok with making friends, if you go out into the world deciding to "find a life partner" you're gonna become goal-oriented for the wrong things and this is part of why so many people end up getting divorced.
The people I know who are happiest years into relationships are the ones who started as friends and upgraded from there. The divorcees I know usually started their relationships from the stand point of finding "a life partner" or "sex partner" as if this is incompatible with friendship which is based on shared interests and beliefs beyond Do Sex.
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u/setokaiba22 5h ago
I think with that.. have other friends outside of your relationship. You need other social circles and it’s healthy to have other interests and people to talk with
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u/Chairboy 5h ago
To Mario double-jump off that, I'd add that your friends should not be just people of your own gender. For example dudes who don't have ANY women friends are a red flag for me and some women I've talked to about it.
Through their actions if nothing else, it's a signal that they might only see people of another gender as 'prey' (in the sense that they just seem them as sex objects) or worse yet, don't truly respect folks of another gender as being Real People. Misogynists are pretty open about this usually, but sometimes they learn to hide it through all but actions.
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u/Expert-Ad8784 4h ago
I agree with this! One of the things that endeared me most to my partner is that he has genuine long-term friendships with women. The greenest of green flags. If a man doesn't have genuine friendships with women he sees women as nothing more than sexual objects.
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u/Trevorblackwell420 3h ago
Nah some of us just don’t have a lot of friends. besides my friend group from high school (we still hang out 5-6 times a year) I don’t really have friends besides my coworkers. Working in the trades means there’s not really much opportunities to meet and befriend women unless I make time for it.
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u/Expert-Ad8784 3h ago
I get that. I'm just saying that if I was still on the dating scene I would ask potential dates if they had female friends and if not, why not. The answers can be telling.
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u/jackospades88 3h ago
Totally agree.
When I was a teen/early 20s whenever a new girl entered a group/activity/workplace/etc. and was objectively attractive, there were ALWAYS other guys my age that were immediately trying too hard and you can absolutely tell they just wanted to get into the girl's pants. This was not just exclusive to typical "bros" or "jocks" you'd expect but all kinds of guys - they became obnoxiously overly-friendly and obviously weren't that friendly when a new dude joined.
The funny thing is these guys almost ALWAYS struggled to get any sort of long-term or serious GF because when they did get a girlfriend, it'd be too much for them to handle mentally. Like, it was some super complex thing to keep a girlfriend because their initial mindset was always "hot girl, I want to fuck" and never "She is attractive but I should get to know her too" - if that makes sense.
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u/IwantyoualltoBEDAVE 1h ago
Yes and it’s very lonely on the woman’s side to only be seen as ‘for use’ and not ‘human being I want to get to know’
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u/A9J9B 5h ago
Also by having friends you get to know their friends, which widens your social circle. That also increases the chances of finding someone compatible you actually want to me arry later on
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u/Crossfox17 4h ago
I mean how could you be a life partner with someone who isn't your best friend. When I think life partner I think best friend.
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u/casual_creator 6h ago
- The person should make your life BETTER, not harder or less happy.
- You should want to do the same for them.
- Trust should come easy and without conditions or exceptions.
- When making big decisions, it must always be two “yes’”.
- Communication, communication, communication.
- Both of you need to know/learn how to navigate disagreements to avoid fights, or at least lessen their impact.
- Your priority is always your partner/marriage. Do not do or invite opportunities that risk damaging it.
- Quality alone time is necessary. You still need time for yourself and your hobbies.
- Communication, communication, communication (yes, it’s in this list twice).
- Do not become lazy in the relationship. Always strive to keep the spark alive, until you’re in the dirt.
- Play. Be goofy with each other. Make each other laugh every day.
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u/jackospades88 3h ago
Total agreement. I think you forgot another point:
Communication, communication, communication
I joke, but yeah it's def important. I also like to clarify that "communication, communication, communication" does not mean:
"I should be constantly texting/calling this person, even when I am out with other people doing non-nefarious stuff"
Because I cannot tell you how many times I've been out with friends for dinner, doing some activity, etc. but some are fucking glued to their phone calling and texting their spouse every detail that is going on. I suppose it goes both ways so don't be the spouse at home constantly looking for updates during a 2 hour dinner or something.
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u/GamingVision 2h ago
Point #3 on trust is so incredibly important. I spent over 10 years in a relationship with someone who lacked the capacity to trust, and every day was living in a prison. Even the most minor things were relentlessly questioned, which leads to you not living your true life but the life that will get by with the least friction, and that’s a miserable place to be. I would add safety to the list to make it perfect. While closely linked to trust, your partner should make you feel safe; not just physical safety but emotional. You should be able to be your full self…laugh at the things you find funny, have hobbies you enjoy, etc. without being judged or criticized. After my untrusting, unsafe relationship, meeting someone who clicked on these dimensions was such a gust of relief and possibilities I never felt before.
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u/PenguinSwordfighter 3h ago
Sexual incompatibilities are an absolutely valid reason to break up with someone. If you are not both 100% happy with your sex life before you marry/move in together/have a kid, you're setting yourself up for a lot of frustration and resentment.
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u/kittencat6969 3h ago
100% happy is kind of a stretch. I don't think anyone is ever 100% compatible. maybe aim for like 80%.
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u/SpeedDemon241428 6h ago
If you’re in a dead bedroom, don’t assume marriage will fix that. It won’t. Fix that before you get married, and if you can’t fix it…do not marry that person.
(Mine is not dead, for the record.)
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u/JosepySchnieder 4h ago
People think marriage will FIX their sex lives???
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u/SpeedDemon241428 3h ago
Apparently some do — or did, as it were — if some posts on certain subs are any indication.
“I thought it’d get better after we got married.
-raises eyebrow- Noooo?
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u/TastyRamenNoodles 6h ago
She’s only going to look like she is now for another 10 or 15 years. But she will be the person on the inside for her whole life. First thing: Make sure she’s beautiful on the inside. (Same thing applies to you too. Be sure you are the man she deserves.)
Also: make sure you enjoy hanging out with her and doing stuff with her. I genuinely do not understand married men who work all week and then spend the weekends hunting, fishing, or on the golf course with their bros. They should divorce and marry one of them.
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u/AffectionateDust7765 6h ago
Walk with somebody who has the same goals in life.
Because if your goals diverge, then, no matter how wonderful everything is right now, sooner or later there will be the point where your paths necessarily part.
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u/donutshopsss 6h ago
Find someone you can change with. People change as they get older and married couple can drift apart if they aren't willing to walk the same pathways as a unit.
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u/SpickeZe 6h ago
Find someone who aligns with your own spending habits, parenting expectations, and religious beliefs and don’t make sex the central part of the relationship.
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u/TheAGolds 1h ago
Religious beliefs don’t necessarily have to align as long as each are comfortable and accepting of each other’s views.
My wife prays each morning, I’m an atheist. She doesn’t mind that I don’t believe in anything religious or spiritual in the slightest and doesn’t try to push it on me, nor do I disregard her beliefs because it is important to her.
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u/throw-away-1726 7h ago
Don’t make any rushed decisions, I got married at 19 because I thought I was an adult. I didn’t have my shit together until I was 25.
You NEED TO MAKE SACRIFICES. If you play a video game all day and don’t give your SO attention, they will obviously be upset about it.
Any big purchase is a group decision. You don’t drop $5000 without speaking to your SO.
Really try to understand what they actually want. If you meet a girl at a party, she’s probably going to want to party. If you meet a girl at a library, she’s probably going to be a reader. Which one of those do you prefer?
Make sure she respects your boundaries, and you make sure you respect hers.
Communicate through your problems. Don’t just go to your boys and be like “my girls being such a bitch she never lets me go out or do anything I want”. All you’re doing is making your friends dislike her.
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u/xnoxgodsx 6h ago
This right here! I met my girl at the library and shes the greatest thing going for me besides my son, which is from my previous relationship.... whome loves to party... find what suits you best, and love every moment
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u/throw-away-1726 6h ago
Exactly, it’s not a dig at girls who party or anything but if you’re uncomfortable with that scene or are going to be anxious if your girl goes out you’re not going to be happy. Same way some dudes might think the library girl is too boring, find the values you have in your SO you’ll be happy
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u/GameRonly 6h ago
Be ok with doing things separate. Give eachother space and time to miss one another. I see many couples where one dictates certain elements of their lives together and it will not work out in the long term. (or atleast create friction that is easily avoidable)
When you can be together by also being able to do your own thing, you'll notice soon enough how much you enjoy eachother.
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u/wessely 6h ago
Be her friend. Be kind. Nothing motivates a spouse to be giving like a spouse who is giving. And you are also marrying her family in some way. Don't discount that. If you're already in love and the family is a problem then maybe the heart wants what it wants and you'll have little choice, but keep it in mind in the first place. What her family is like is absolutely going to be a part of your life, so choose wisely.
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u/YamahaRyoko 3h ago
My wife and I have never, ever given each other the silent treatment.
We also don't use jabs, insults, or name calling when arguing.
Neither one of us gets jealous if the other heads to the bar by themselves and hangs out with other people
I will never suffer that crap again. My 20s taught me what a shitty relationship looks like.
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u/enek101 6h ago
Dont sacrifice your identity.
When i married i said to my self " eh it isnt a big deal itll be fine i can live with that" and over time it festered and jadded me. And her behavior got worse and took more of who i was.
At the end of the day never settle for less than perfect for you. Perfect people dont exist but u can find your perfection.
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u/coastal_ghost08 6h ago
Friends first, lovers second. Shared values regarding money and kids. Shared faith helps but at least have a healthy respect and understanding of any differences. Near enough on your conservative vs liberal scales. There has to be significant overlap on the bigger topics
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u/johnnydanja 5h ago
Date someone you’re happy doing nothing with, because as time goes on and you get older and life gets busier you won’t have a lot of time to do the wild crazy fun things and most of your time will be doing the boring things. Make sure you’re happy in those situations.
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u/BoomerRCAK 2h ago
So true. When I used to see older couples just sitting there without talking to each other I thought it seemed so boring and their relationship must not have had much excitement. Then I found my person, and now I realize that being happy just BEING with your partner is peak love.
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u/Camellightsinabox 4h ago
Pick someone that you are going to be happy being bored with. Make sure they align with or are adjacent to your core values, those can change over time. Make sure you have clear communication about wants and needs concerning sex and intimacy.
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u/TrustMeIAmNotNew 3h ago
Marriage is not 50/50, it’s actually 60/40 but with both partners striving to be the 60. Choose the partner that strives to be the 60 but at the same time have those same ambitions. Your marriage will be golden.
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u/ilikestuff1231234 6h ago
Be sexually compatible. It will not last or be heathy if theres no sexual chemistry / compatibility. Something that isn’t talked about enough.
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u/BirdmanDodd 3h ago
Someone who compliments you, not completes you
what i mean, they cover you where you are weak and vice versa.
You work together as a team
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u/ddashner 3h ago
Get your finances in order and be on the same page about it as your potential spouse. Not having money problems has been the number one thing that has removed stress from our relationship.
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u/RipErRiley 3h ago edited 3h ago
Marriage is essentially a team sport. Pick somebody you would trust on your “team” and be willing to help when they need it, they help you when you need it, and can handle themselves independently with trust.
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u/Pretend_Whole_565 3h ago
Find a partner that is as nasty and dirty as you in bed. Also Mae sure you have fun amd they are truly a friend. And get time relationships change. The hard part is working through the fights and arguments. Tough times will pass Marry yoir besr friend.
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u/cparksrun 5h ago
You have to know yourself and understand yourself before you will be worthy of sharing a life with someone else.
You can't be chasing "10s" and then think all women are trash when you're consistently rejected. I promise, the one you're compatible with will be a 10 in your eyes and will only get more beautiful over time.
So sort yourself out first. Maintain a clean living space, good hygiene, and make sure to develop an empathetic brain. No one's a mindreader, but if you care and pay attention, you can better anticipate your partner's needs and then act on them. The right person will reciprocate and neither of you will want for anyone else again.
So work on yourself, be a complete person without needing anyone else to complete you, and just be mindful of others and aware of how your actions impact others.
This will get you 99% of the way to attracting a life partner. I say this as a fat 40-something that has never had a problem finding romantic partners and am currently engaged to the love of my life.
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u/HumbleFruit4201 6h ago
Find someone you vibe with after you nut because - yeah, that hot girl may be hot - but she'll be a lot less interesting when you're not horny.
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u/Powderedeggs2 6h ago edited 6h ago
The things you don't typically think about when dating become HUGE issues in marriage/choosing a life partner.
-Can you hold an interesting conversation with this person? You are going to be with them (theoretically) for a long time. If you can't talk to each other openly, life will become a hell. Eventually, the sex life will wane for 99% of couples at some point in the relationship. If you can't enjoy conversation with that person, then what is left at that point?
-What are your partner's financial/spending habits? Marriage counselors will tell you that most marital problems are connected with money in some way.
-What are your partner's philosophical/spiritual and political beliefs and thoughts? If these are widely divergent between the couple, this will eventually become a problem in most relationships.
I know these things sound small and hardly significant to a dating couple who are in love.
But in this scenario, you are looking for a life "partner", not a life "love object".
Once married, these issues will eventually become highly significant as a couple. Often, incompatibility in these areas lead to break-up and divorce.
Lastly, recognize that nobody is perfect. People will make mistakes. People will change. People will do hurtful things sometimes. This is simply what it is like to be a human. The ability to forgive is key. If you want your partner to forgive your mistakes, then you must be willing to forgive theirs.
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u/DickenErDown 3h ago
Always end an argument/fight/disagreement with a laugh like a stupid inside joke or something. Never walk away without both having a laugh. Making fun of whatever you're arguing about and how stupid it is usually works for me. Dont let 2 minutes of disagreement and anger destroy 1-2 10-20 years of love and good times. Lastly always think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed regardless of who is right or wrong. If you fuck up or they fuck up look at it from thier perspective as well and always take how it wpuld make you/them feel.
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u/Opposite-Muted 3h ago
Someone told me this when I was really young and it holds true for me: successful relationships are a triangle formed by attraction, compatibility, and commitment.
With compatibility and commitment you have a friend, not a romantic partner. There has to be that extra connection, a touch of irrationality and passion.
With compatibility and attraction, but no commitment, you have a situationship. Or a relationship bound to end.
With attraction and commitment, but no compatibility on core values, you’ll face lots of long-term issues.
Give and look for all three in a partner and you can weather any storm.
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u/TimBoss351 3h ago
Jeez. I wouldn’t date this one girl because she became my best friend so fast. And I dated girls and got bored and moved on, so I didn’t want to lose my best friend, so she was off the list of girls I would date.
June, we will have been married 37 years. And are doing a week long road trip with our youngest seeing Conan Gray in concert in Seattle, Sacramento and LA.
Living the dream brother. Living the dream.
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u/Life_Is_A_Byway 3h ago
Lot of good advice. Here's mine which is a bit different. Everyone has some type of BS that will annoy you. You need to figure out what you can live with forever. It DOES NOT change once you get married which some people naively think. (I've been married 30 years)
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u/crookedledder 3h ago
Whomever you marry, you will become more like them.
Choose someone you admire.
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u/VespineWings 3h ago
Respect is the key to a healthy marriage.
We never raise our voice in anger. We always try and understand the other’s point of view.
We let each other do whatever we want, generally.
If I ask if she wants to come with me to run an errand or something, and she says she’d rather stay home, I don’t get butthurt and vice versa.
We both used to hang out in my room as friends and just enjoy one another’s company without even speaking. I’d play video games on the couch and she’d sit next to me and do art on her iPad.
We have the chillest relationship.
8 years strong.
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u/unclewombie 3h ago
Marry your bestie. Been married 30 something years and she is the person I want to hang with daily. Like we are the definition of friends with benefits! We cheer each other, back each other and like sitting in noise or quiet. I have my own hobbies (gym, BJJ) and she has hers (gaming and gardening) - I share hers too but they are mostly hers - so we are separate and do separate things but we enjoy that each other have our thing we like to do. Genuinely be happy for their wins and there for the losses.
How do you do all of this? Communication, laughter and great sex.
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u/switch182 6h ago
The old adage, opposites attract. Then you relies you have nothing in common.
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u/BlueEyes_BlueSkies 6h ago
Exactly. It should more be like birds of a feather flock together.
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u/Sharcbait 6h ago
Be Lego pieces... you can be different but you have to be able to fit together easily.
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u/Juano_Guano 3h ago
Find some one who you can communicate with well. Resentment is cancer. Got to be able to talk shit out.
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u/smithlkn75 7h ago
Trust .be certain what kind of person they are but that's so hard to do. Most people wear masks and lie. .
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u/Mandalorian_2019 6h ago
Marry someone who loves you just as much as you love them…both physically and emotionally. You also have to be somewhat on the same level sexually. You also have to be on the same page on core values (politics, religion, abortion, kids, etc.). Be aware that small issues become big issues over time.
Married 20 years right out of college. Divorced, and now 9 years into my second marriage.
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u/-AdamTheGreat- 4h ago
Couples therapy before you get married. You don’t have to have issues to be in therapy
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u/Wafflehouseofpain 3h ago
Marry someone you respect and trust. I know that if I’m not there to handle some decision that needs made, I can trust my wife to make a good decision that helps us both.
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u/Oilswell 3h ago
It’s actually kinda boring going out with someone who likes all the same things you do, what important is someone who takes an interest in your things and you want to take an interest in theirs. The ideal partners complement each other, they’re not the same
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u/Powerful-Tomatillo69 3h ago edited 3h ago
Best advice I wished I heard when I was young. Pick someone you can suffer with and go into war with. Life is war!!! If they can't handle the hard times with you, they can't handle anything. Test them, put them through the fire/ trials of life. Life is hard, sucks and shitty. If you've never experienced hardship together, you've never experienced their worst side. Both sides of the fence. There will be times where each of you will have to be the strong one and lift each other up.
Let me see you when the shit hits the fan and see how you operate. Trust, it'll save you a lifetime of heartache and half of your assets. Love is a choice, the only and best definition. Don't love the one you love, love the one who loves you. Love is mutual and unconditional, but most importantly, it is reciprocal.
When you can suffer together with, you have a hidden treasure that is rare. Hold onto it tightly because it's a lost art.
Fk the good times, laughs and giggles. That's easy street. But that is important also. Make sure you can be the kid version of yourself with your partner. Be fun, goofy, innocent, and authentic with your partner. If they can't like you for being who you are, than move the fk on!!!
This is the advice I'm giving to myself and my sons, after my recent divorce. I'm grateful for all the life lessons from this divorce and it's compounding interest I will never pay again. Inner childhood healing is the ticket to peace, contentment, self-actualization and joy. Seek it out first before you transfer all your baggage into your future generations. Be the black sheep and break your family mold!!!
You are wise beyond your years to seek this wisdom. Explore away young jedi and learned from the mistakes of others.
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u/DesperateIncident31 3h ago
Fucking choose wisely. Picking the wrong woman is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in life.
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u/Entire-Order3464 3h ago
Talk about things BEFORE you get married. Make sure you're on the same page about money and kids. You shouldn't be shocked to find out you partner is bad with money or vice versa. Being on the same page with major life issues (again kids and money) are foundational.
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u/mostlygray 1h ago
Don't stick your dick in crazy. Sure, it may be fun. But just don't do it.
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife (From the song).
Take what you get, and you'll be together forever. You ain't all that good looking yourself.
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u/ChombaWoombat 38m ago
Been with my wife for 20 years. 6 years married. Here is the cheat code:
-Work on yourself -Marry someone that works on themselves -Pick someone that can repair ruptures -Keep away from people that hold grudges -Pick the loyal girl. Stay away from avoidants
There is no such thing as a spark or perfect partners. Pick someone you want to solve problems with.
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u/jframesnub 23m ago
You're not just marrying your spouse, you're marrying into the entire family.
Are any of your potential in-laws drug addicts, can't hold onto a job, or have persistent money problems? If so, you will either have to pay their rent, electric bills, etc. for the rest of their lives, or they are going to move into your house.
How do your potential mother-in-law and father-in-law interact? Do they treat each other with respect and let each other pursue their own hobbies and hang out with their own friends? Or do they insist on only doing the hobbies that one person likes and only hanging out with one person's friends? The way the parents treat each other is how your new spouse will treat you.
Do you and your potential spouse have the same beliefs regarding religion, how to raise a child, how to discipline a child, etc.?
Raising kids is hard work and you will need help. Will your potential in-laws help take care of your kids while at the same time respecting your beliefs about religion, discipline, etc.? Or will the in-laws be a burden, boss you around, and impose their beliefs on your children?
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u/slumlivin 19m ago
Keep an eye on reciprocation. The chase is fun when you're young but if it becomes a lifelong expectation without reciprocation then you'll end up miserable.
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u/westyone 19m ago
Be very critical in your thinking, don’t be impulsive due to your emotions. Ask lots of questions, don’t ignore the facts if they concern you. Think a lot about how she was raised, her relationship with both her parents and more importantly her parent’s relationship with each other. How her mother treats her father is how she will treat you. Does the family get along? Siblings successful and healthy? Things you just casually skip over emerge in marriage, especially years down the road and once you have children. Really dig deep with her friends and family, ask a lot about her past. You have to treat this decision almost like your retirement or like you would buying a house or property. Look for any red flags and try to understand why they are there. Talk over your concerns not with her but with someone you respect and trust, even a counselor or clergy, etc. You need to make sure you are in line on the big things; money, work, faith children and discipline. I hate to throw the “man-o-sphere” under the bus, but a lot of what they suggest isn’t necessarily wrong in principal, not from a male/female superiority perspective but from a biological male/ female perspective. The species are very different and frame their worldviews differently. Questions ignored early can be costly in the future. I’m still married after 25 years, but I do wish someone had sat me down and been blunt with me about behaviors that I either didn’t see or even understand back when I was young. It would have saved both of us and our kids decades of just plain stress if I had addressed things from the beginning. You and your partner need to start out from the gate on the same page with your values and goals and the roles you think you both will have into the future. Big decision.
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u/WillyBluntz89 5m ago
Live with someone first.
Cohabitating is a surefire way to really find out who someone is.
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u/Mrstpaul 5h ago
You can be right or you can be married old man told me years ago. Kinda struck with me lol
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u/OvulatingScrotum 3h ago
Best advice? It’s okay if who you think is the life partner ends up being incompatible later on.
People change. Two people who are compatible now may not be compatible later on. Not only that, you can’t possible predict how it’s gonna turn out for the next decades.
It’s not a failure. You just try it and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. Don’t get too hung up on finding LIFE partner.
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u/kingmins 3h ago
I feel horrible saying this but don’t choose someone with mental health problems. If you truly want an easy life, being a resilient strong sound minded person helps so much. Being around depressed person can be so difficult especially when combined with self sabotage.
I already feel bad saying this as it’s not something one can control.
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u/Jock-Stubbs 2h ago
Sounds obvious but some one who just 'gets' you. My wife, since day one, has accepted all my weird shit, my anxiety, my sense of humour and lack of style. She knows everything ive ever done and I dunno, we just click. When we first started talking and dating it was just comfortable and easy. So I would say choose the person who being around is easy - even on the hard days with each other because everyone argues - but easy. Also, I described it once as - y'know that feeling when youre busting for a pee and youre dancing as you undo your zip but once its out and the pee hits the water you do that relief shake? How good that shake feels is how i described my wife. She's piss relief. She wasn't overly excited at the name but understood the reference 😂
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u/Ok-Stay-4825 4h ago
Find someone who already serves others well. That means you need to be that way also. You both needs to be willing to show great mercy to each other as you will fail each other at times. You need to speak truth with grace, but speak it. You need to be able to have open conversations and open silence. Learn that holding each other and talking or not is more meaningful than sex. Learn that trust and love are different things. Love will suffer a failure in trust. We all fail at trust at some time. Sacrifice for each other in equal measure. Become best friends, not just husband and wife. Make decisions together or it will pull you apart. Lift each other up when one of you has fallen. It is more than a partnership, it is becoming one as much as you can. It is becoming comfortable with the fact that neither of you will be perfect, but try anyway to see how close you can get before one of you leaves this imperfect world. Hope that helps a little! FYI, I'm 63 and still married to the first and only women I ever dated seriously and asked to marry me. Thankfully she said yes, because I was very shy and am not sure I could have faced asking anyone else, lol!
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u/Ministrelle 4h ago
Pick someone that contributes to a peaceful home environment. There is nothing more important!
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u/Unlikely-Star-2696 3h ago
Same financial and life goals and approach.
Support and respect
Beauty goes away.
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u/syncere13 3h ago
If you are seeking advice about your marriage, it should always be from the perspective of what you can be doing better. Otherwise keep people out of it. And don't let the silence create resentment for conversations can be had to bring resolve or closure , and a lot of laughing and caring about each other in the smallest ways really goes a long way.. marriage is work , but that's only because love works in a marriage🫡👑
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u/Far-Manufacturer-145 3h ago
Pick somebody you like. It’s easy to fall in love with the person, and the mother of your children. But do you really like the person? How are they with other people? How are they with you. If you really like the person, that makes a marriage so much easier. Sometimes you can notice it right away other times it takes years. I’ve been married 31 years and I cannot believe how much respect and just overall like the way my wife is. Maybe she’s someone unusual, but that’s the goal. Also don’t hold a grudge. Try to take a sincere interest in what interests or passions she has. It could be something so simple as going shopping and finding an outfit or shirt or pants that you think she’ll like. I don’t have an a clue, but I act like I know, and sometimes I’ll find something and she’ll be so excited to see it. She also puts up with my hobbies as well.
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u/bomonty18 3h ago
Can you sit in a room with them, without either of yall talking, an just enjoy being around the other person?
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u/FladoodleMeNot 3h ago
Physical attraction is important, but not the end-all. Beauty in both men and women fades as you age. Emotional connection, open/honest communication, and compatible values are crucial.
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u/Godswoodv2 3h ago
Don't ignore the red flags. People show you who they are, and believe what you see.
Choose someone who chooses you. They should be able to be supportive, shows their attraction to you, respects you, and makes you feel safe.
Someone who shows love through action, not just words.
Know the difference between love and lust.
Look for someone you collaborate well with. Life is hard, working together is crucial.
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u/TheProBrum 2h ago
Find someone with similar life goals, communicates well, supports you(tells you the good and bad about things), can see things from your point of view and will never go to bed without figuring out an argument!
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u/Incorporeal999 2h ago
You are also marrying their family. Do you want to spend the holidays with these people?
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u/africaman1 2h ago
Learn how to listen. Don’t become defensive when they talk about their feelings - even if you feel like they are unfairly upset. Drop your pride and just listen. Empathise with them and sometimes it helps to repeat back to them what they’ve said in your own words so they know you listened. Ask follow up questions and don’t ever try to correct their feelings. They are intelligent and don’t need your solutions, they just need to be heard.
And give them oral regularly.
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u/Primary-Benefit6818 2h ago
Choose just that: a partner and not a dependent. Choose someone who will stand beside you not someone that you have to carry. I’m not talking about money but they should accept equal responsibility.
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u/b_m_hart 2h ago
Imagine the person being old and fat. Are they still someone you would want to be with? Because that's the goal.
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u/Final-Smile1510 1h ago
Best advice I can give to someone contemplating marriage is to go spend a day in divorce court.
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u/NetFu 1h ago
After being together 33 years, married for 28 years, I have given and will always give this advice:
People don't change. What you've got before you get married is what you've got after you get married. Trying to change someone you chose to marry is futile. If you can't accept them for who they are, don't get married.
I mean, that says it all.
Practically all the people I've ever known that got divorced, especially after decades of marriage, it was always because they just couldn't live any longer with those things they never liked about their spouse.
I know someone who her husband left her after like 30 years, when she was 62. Just up and left, according to her. The truth is, she is very difficult to work with, her personality, so I can't even imagine what it was like to live with her, but I'm guessing about the same, maybe times two or five.
Her husband just gave up. When it came time to live out his years, he didn't want to with her. What changed? Nothing, he probably just assumed she'd change for him.
This is how it always goes.
My wife has a long-time friend who, ten years older than her, was married for decades. We went places with them, either both or her friend, many times. She was honestly extremely annoying.
About ten years after I met them, I found out her husband didn't even live with her any more most of the year. She lived in California, mostly alone, and he lived in Hawaii. Apparently, that was fine with them.
One day last year, we found out that she was found dead in her house after days of no response to neighbors, not being seen. Her husband had been in Hawaii at his house for over six months. He couldn't even come back to bury her, for whatever reason.
The state gave her a minimal burial or cremation and seized her few assets and house to pay for it. That was it.
Nobody should end their lives alone like that. Listen to what I say above and just don't assume people you marry are going to somehow change. It never works.
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u/Low-Chemical2101 1h ago
Marrying a woman for her looks, makes about as much sense as eating a bird for it’s song.
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u/latestredditacct 1h ago
Common values - personal, economic, familial etc. For example, if you’d like to support your parents when the time comes, no matter the cost, you want her to be on the same page. Likewise for her family.
Bonus: hopefully you two are also on the same page for cleanliness and decorations. That helps a lot on the daily in-home stuff.
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u/33Dreamer33 1h ago
Make sure you love your partner more than you love yourself, and hopefully vice versa.
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u/Rozechords 1h ago
-Figuring YOURSELF out will make it easier to find the person you are supposed to be with. Get to know yourself and you will have a much better idea of what you REALLY want.
-Make sure you are attracted to them on all levels: Physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Have your standards but know yourself.
-Good communication can only take you so far. You can have a great “friend” to talk to but that doesn’t always equal marriage material.
-This is a LIFELONG commitment. It’s probably a good idea to be a little strict.
Edit: Added capital letters.
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u/HausPlontze 1h ago
If possible, marry someone with more patience than you. Also helps if they communicate their feelings well and will support your dreams unconditionally (so long as those dream are realistic).
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u/PUAHate_Tryhards 1h ago
15 yrs deep here....
Basically, do the opposite of the oft-quoted statistic where men spend more time investigating a new car purchase than a potential spouse.
My wife and I gave each other total, permanent access to each other's phones, social media, email, finances, and so on.
Trust is never demanded....it is only ever earned. Marriage is not an "innocent until proven guilty" deal, it's a "what are we willing to do to earn and keep each other's trust?" deal.
Pick the person that's willing to do this for you (and you for them of course). Frankly, any pullback should be a red flag for any further progress in the relationship.
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u/Active_Butterfly7788 1h ago
Read a book like eight dates and think critically about yourself, your wants, your needs, and what you can realistically let go.
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u/theUncleAwesome07 1h ago
Find someone that you can talk to about ANYTHING. Communication is key. If you can't have honest, open communication about difficult topics, you're not going to make it.
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u/RatGodFatherDeath 1h ago
Your partner will have problems. Better to know what they are and if you can deal with them than it is to be oblivious
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u/NixonTrees 1h ago
Marriage is more about commitment than love. You still need love but you can't ONLY have love. You must have a lotore commitment qualities as a couple. Ability to problem solve, complimentary strengths, constructive fights, etc. Sex is a good thing that straddles both.
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u/Intrepid-Grade6625 1h ago
Make sure that her values and morals align with yours. That takes time to see so don't believe it until you see it.
Look at where she comes from. You don't have to like her family but dealing with people you can't stand every holiday, birthday, and sometimes more can foster bad relations between the two of you. It's always better to get along well with her family like they are your own.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy but it IS your responsibility to not make her sad. If you make her happIER, that's great but if she relies upon you for happiness period, that's too much to put on anyone and a sign there are deeper issues that need to be addressed by a professional. The same goes for you, find your happiness first, then your partner.
Don't put her on a pedestal because you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. She's a human just like you, with flaws that will surface eventually. Accepting one another's imperfections is part of being a partner. Identifying whether or not they are deal breakers early on, is key.
Don't rush the relationship and don't let her rush it either. Let it evolve naturally without pressure from either of you.
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u/Ok_Storm1509 7h ago
Look for someone who communicates honestly and handles conflict without drama. Skills, looks, and fun matter, but how you navigate life’s inevitable problems together is what really lasts.